13. My friend, not my own..

Gone is the time where I will act with my “Kind oh so forgiving heart.” Something happened to me of late, perhaps it was my dog’s sudden and unforgivable death, or the fact that my ‘bestie’ Andrew mentioned a conversation he had with his mother, ”Why does Meggie get so much bad? She gives so much good and just gets broken down so much.”

Well, this made me think.. Why?? I mean, really.. why!?!? I’m a good person. I’m naturally generous and burdened with an abnormally huge heart, and by far, the most understanding, non-judgemental and thereby open person I’ve ever known. Maybe because I allow it? I let people treat me like a door mat. I have figuratively created my own ‘free-for-all office’ where I can have people come on in and treat me like a poop. The big smelly kind that they would love to pay for someone to do on their terrible god-fearing, yet totally-going-to-hell neighbour’s door step..That’s me! Let’s announce it! Me, Meggie!  No worries. I’ll forgive, better yet...I’ll understand! And by that I mean I’ll always find a reason for you, you’re reasoning of course. Give it to me, I’ll make it work.

No more. I’m fucking finished. Go. Get. Lost. If you thought I was the same person I was yesterday then you better go find a new person to bully, cz i aint havin it. No longer will I let you walk all over me like I was your mistress’s doormat. No thanks. Aint interested.

I’ve been thinking.. I’ve been through some serious stuff in my life, and always been able to keep a smile on my dial and get on with it, but now, I feel different. My dog died. My darling that I had had since he was three weeks old, after every attempt of mine, died, right there...And I changed.

From that day, I was a different person, I didn’t know how but I knew I was different, I felt it. My mum told me (and she’s usually right) that perhaps a certain hardness needed to happen to me. I’ve always been such a softy, that person who loves no matter what, that person who cries because we can eat a sandwich and the beggar can’t, that person who cared for my boyfriend’s mistress when he couldn’t. I would tell my best friend about her boyfriend’s lies- knowing that she would side with her man and choose not to believe me-thereby destroying our life-long friendship. That, to this day- tears me apart.

My heart has always ruled me, and often gotten me into a lot of trouble with my feelings for truth and so forth :/ That’s me. It’s always been me.

My heart has always argued with my mind. For instance, my mind knew that if I told my friend, even though all her boyfriend’s friend’s had advised me not to say a word- that telling her, the right and brave thing it may have been, would be the sentence that would end everything between us. Yet it was the only answer I could live with within our friendship.

At the end of the day I could not say nothing- and would not expect anything less of my friend in the same situation. I couldn’t be her friend without complete and utter open honesty and love. So I had to speak, and I’ll never forget..as I told her, my heart broke knowing I’d probably never see her again.

To this day, I miss her every moment I breathe, and the funny thing is.. I’m happy they are together and have found such love we can only wish for in this life.. Only I tend to find myself wiping my tears away remembering a friendship that meant everything to me, and the lack of it now has removed something in me, a hole...That I know without a doubt will never be replaced. And the worst part is, is that I was honest. I thought I was doing the right thing – honesty being the best policy and all - and if I had only known that if I had kept the secrets that I was told to keep, I would have therefore kept her as my friend. Well..I guess the funny thing is.. I could not have done it, so I suppose the end was written for me.

Because given the opportunity to change it, now knowing the out-come, I would have had to do exactly what I did. I would have wanted to continue the lie, in order to save our friendship.. but would not have been able to do so, and would demand that any friend in my corner would have done the same thing I did, and would have never let them suffer for their honestly and complete loyalty to me. I would have rather respected them for it.

So, to my darling un-named friend, I miss you. Sometimes I find myself chatting out loud, this is normal, you know me! But sometimes, most times..It’s to you. Letting you know things that I could only confide in you-crying, screaming and laughing about stuff that only you would understand. The friendship is not real anymore, but in my mind it has to be. Let’s play pretend. I love you, and think of you all the time. I hope that one day you will get in touch again, but if not, please know...That I carry you in my heart...Always and forever.

I wish I could let you go. But no, I’d rather hope that one day, we’ll meet again and immediately laugh about that day we sat drinking “Stiri-stumpie’s” on the zebra crossing in main road Plett, when the police man said, “Girls, why don’t you go play outside your house.” You replied, pointing behind you,”We are, we live here.”\

You know what a romantic I am. Well, romance doesn’t just consist of men and woman in the conventional sense. So here’s my romantic story. My ‘Wuthering Heights’ if you will... I will wait. I will wait for you, because by god you are going to be a bride’s maid at my wedding. You have to be, because otherwise there is something very wrong with this universe. So come back to me my darling friend, be that girl who forgives me because I ‘outed’ your boyfriend, hell you snuck off with mine to make out with him and what did I do there? I reconnected our friendship once more, because it was at the end of the day, more important...that’s what kills me. Obviously you don’t think to do as much.

Yet here I am, tears rolling down my cheeks, aching for you..to be able to hear from you..anything. The worst part is that I have so many friends that care so much, and I’m too busy screening their calls, hoping to speak to you. It’s so sad. And I’ve promised myself I would change this, but I can’t. I miss you, and I love you and I wish you were here so that I could talk to you. But, this writing certainly does help. Yay! So wherever you are- know that I think of you always, and every time I think of my wedding, you are in it, bridesmaid and all. It would never be the same without you, my darling friend.

I remember you once saying that I had too much drama in my life, and as my best friend you couldn’t deal with it anymore, and so you wanted out... At the time, I was angry with you and I didn’t get that. I see how I have had that around me, I see the ongoing shit that escalated all over me..but..in retrospect.. every friend that I have now, that is a true friend, knows that I am a good person, and that I truly love all around me and mean well. If I happen to carry the weight of a father’s suicide or any family murder’s, accidental deaths, or personal attacks..unfortunately these things have affected me, but no friend should hold that against you. No friend should be a fair weather friend, as there should be no such kind. The next time, god forbid, I am attacked- I’ll make sure I don’t keep you on my dialling list. No stress for you there.

Just so you know- I’m so sorry I miss my dad, I’m so sorry that his suicide often leaves me feeling unwanted, and that I wanted to confide that in you.  I’m so sorry that the first love of my life cheated on me with every woman in Plett (including you) and that that made me feel insecure.  I’m so fucking sorry that when I was attacked in my own car that I felt the need to act out, let alone call you! And I’m so bloody sorry that you we’re my best friend, so i needed you. I’m so fucking sorry that throughout nine years of friendship some bad shit happened, and I couldn’t always put my big smile on my fucking dial. How stupid of me to think my best friend was there for more than just the sunshine.

Silly me, she was a fair weather friend.

I’m not sure what you ever thought, but you telling me I loved drama really pissed me off, and I guess it’s surfaced now. I was recently told that I may have a few months left to live, and I wanted to tell you what I thought and felt about that..but I couldn’t,  still can’t. How could I?

Too much drama for you? Thought as much. That’s why I never said a word.  I immediately pictured myself in a hospital bed..and you coming into the room. HA! Huge problem with this picture – I knew you wouldn’t.

Yet, why is it that as I write these words, I cannot possibly believe that you and I are done or that you would ever give up..maybe because I can’t. I live in hope.

For anyone who thinks that I am who I used to be, think again, and then think again and again, until your settled on the idea that I’m not, because otherwise..You are mistaken.

At the end of the day it’s quality not quantity, which is why I treasure the emails I might get from Jeanni, a million miles away in France, who writes to tell me her news, short, long, good or bad - she wants to tell me and I treasure those messages, and I look forward to replying everything I can! I love chatting to Andrew or Kimi on skype, and adore my late night phone calls with Shedi, or even just a thought that goes out to Simon..thinking of him out there on his boat, Anker tattoo and all;) I love my friends, and they actually happen to love me. But what you should never let stick with you, are the friends who make you feel otherwise, those that make you feel that the people around who do love you, don’t... because that is bullshit.

My name is Megan Carter. If you’re my friend, you know I love you, and you know how much (It’s a lot!) You know that I would most likely jump in front of bus for you, and that I always give you the benefit of the doubt. I believe in fourth chances J and love love!! I like, love to chat, dance and sing! And if you ever need anyone, I am always there, any time of day or night, I am you’re woman! Because I love you. Regardless of if you love me too. My love is unconditional.