12. My mad mother..you gotta love her!

My darling mother is what most people would call rather eccentric, to say the least. To better understand this I am going to paint you the latest picture.

Sitting by the fire place- that is my mum, myself and our two cats (Goose and Tonch.) Mummy and I chat away until Tonchi strolls on over. You need to know that Tonch has a certain love for singing, namely his favourite “Somewhere over the rainbow.” You start singing that song and he starts dancing like his life depends on it. Rubbing against the tables, he tips chairs, and his purr lifts the thatch.

And so mummy’s belting begins.. “Somewhere over the rainbow, sky’s are blue..one day I’ll look upon a star, look at all the sky’s so far behiiiiiiiiiiind meeeeeeee!!” At this point you need to know that at her tender age of seven, after going to singing lessons for about a month her singing teacher died of a heart attack.

She does not give up there, it’s twenty minutes in so I guess she feels committed. She rolls onto the floor and squirms her way towards him. He is looking incredibly unimpressed.- ETV news seems to be on his mind, the latest stabbing in Baragwanath hospital or something of that sort. Yet, she is not giving up. She squirms harder, sings louder..!

He gives her a “Really? Really, really?” look, slides past her, sits on her chair, and fed up, he looks at her, “Now can you please leave me alone.”

My mum, never defeated (much to the neighbours horror) continues.. "Some day I’ll look upon a star..”

“Mummy! Come, please my love.”

“Fine”

And so she crawls back to her chair.

How stupid of me to think she would give up. Lying on the floor she looks up at him and her face a mere five centimetres from his, she begins a thirty minute monologue the likes of which would shut her father up, ”Kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy, it’s my kissy, that’s my kissy, mummy loves his kissy, kissy kissy kissy, who’s my kissy, mummy loves her kissy, kissy kissey, i love my kissy so much my kissy, my sweet sweet kissy, so sweet my kissy, my darling kissy, dis little poofy toontaliny kissy, gonna scratch these little ears my toontaliny kissy kissy, these little ears..too much for mummy my little kissy, dis little kissy kissy, I just love you too much my, yes my kissy, too much my kissy..too much my kissy, mummy’s kissy....”

He hisses at her.

She jolts – at this point you need to know that he has got to be the most friendly cat on this planet –never uttered a mean word in his life, that is..until now..

Hiiisssssss...

“What was that my kissy kissy? I love you my kissy kissy, mummy’s kissy kissy, loves kissy kissy, mummas kissy kissy. Baby kissy, kissy. Tis a bit of kissy for dis mammas kissy kissy..”

He hisses again.

“Mum, leave him alone, he’s being smothered.”

“No, he loves it Bun.”

(Sure.)

“Kissy kissy, kissy..mamma’s kissy... “

Hissssss hissss.

She pauses, thinks for a bit. “I think he’s in pain."

"No Kidding."

11. Man Vs Woman

Women are complicated. That’s putting it simply. I know that every person on this planet knows that, and without fail, has something to say about it. So today, I say this:

I remember watching the film, “The upside of anger.” There is this scene that has always stuck with me, of Kevin Costner sitting at the one end of the table with these four daughters and their mother at the opposite head. The women banter back and forth, and by the end of it the mother snipes,”What do you know, you’re just a child”. At this point (you really have to watch it to understand.) He giggles (A man’s giggle of course, but I’m not sure what you would call a man’s giggle. A giggle certainly doesn’t sound manly. Anyway, whatever. It’s all the same. He giggles.) The mother quips, “And what is so funny.”He hesitantly responds, “Nothing, it’s just your all such women.”

So true. Women are by nature, super sensitive and analytical. We break moments down into very small pieces, and devour them. What does he mean by that and how should I respond? If I say this will he think that, but what if I don’t? Do you think he thinks this and if he does what should I do? When Lucy said that last week, I think she was totally out of line. I mean she isn’t one to talk..with the happenings going on in her life. What’s going on with Lucy, not that I care, but please do tell. And so we proceed.

How I sometimes wish I was a man. Yet I’m sure, probably more hopeful, that we are actually disillusioned by them. Surely men are not that basic. But do they really think how we think they do? I doubt it. That chick looks hot. I’m hungry. The new x box looks rad. Can’t believe Courtney broke up with Tim, loser. Whatever, we’ll go get a beer later and watch the game, sorted.

They simply can’t think that minimally.

And if they do, I wish I was a man.

Or do I? I suppose that since I already think like a woman, the idea of thinking like a man fills me with complete and utter horror - Perhaps because the thoughts of certain men in my life have shocked and horrified me. Often I’ve been left looking like a deer staring into headlights , because some “dude” has done something like cheated on me with every female name I could come up with, and then in his defence said, “I’m sorry, what more can I say.”

“What more can you say!?!?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me!!!!??” How about, “I love you because of this and this and this and this. The day we met made me feel like this. This and this and this and this is what happened, and when I did that I was feeling this and this. I’m so sorry for this and this and this and this and this and that. I would take this back with this, and do this to fix that. And Losing you would do this, this and that to me.” And then (and I don’t mean without the very long and detailed explanation, he could perhaps grovel some more, run me a bubble bath, give me a back massage, buy me some flowers or some shit like that. We are women after all, so let’s face it; sometimes that kind of shit is the best shit. Flowers and chocolate.

You’d think something so simple would come easy to a simple man. Perhaps they aren’t so simple after all. Not that any of this would secure a woman’s trust or secure a woman’s  ‘wanting for you’ ever again, because at the end of the day, woman are not simple, and are indeed..far more complicated, that even us fellow women fail to understand each other, most of the time.

10. You're gone and i ache for you.

I’ve been so busy trying to get over you, that I’ve forgotten just how much I miss you. Walking into the garden that was once your's, singing our sweet song in hope that you can hear me. Standing in front of the big tree where your soft sheep used to hang, a failed attempt right there, thinking you would want to play without me. Walking through the flower beds that we used to play catch in. I nearly twisted my ankle dammit, oh! What fun we had. Staring at your picture now, looking into those big brown eyes, filled with enthusiastic questions, “Huh, what? Now? What’s this? Are you ready? What do we do here? Is this what I think it is? Do we have to play fetch again? Mummy, do you love me as much as I love you!?” Ah! No my darling, I’ve always loved and always will..love you more. 

I must remember that he is no longer in pain. No longer will my darling Simbushi suffer. It is I that will bear that burden. The great reward in that is knowing that I alone carry that feeling, and my baby has been set free.

But I don’t want to be one of those people who can’t let time stop and I am like that now. I’ve got to keep on moving, as not to sit and think.  Dangerous spaces I fill.

It is impossible to forget standing in the Transkei hills, watching you suffer..There was never any question. I had to help you. No choice for me there. All I could do was protect you. Mother instinct kicked in. You we’re mine. As the universe is my witness, as well as Bar and Slava obviously - and the many surrounding offenders, I did everything in my power to do so. It kills me that it was not enough.  I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you, and yours locked with mine. Bar and I singing “A kuna matata” to you as we skipped down those hills towards Bulungula, you knew I would make everything alright. You trusted me. I felt it – what a feeling, to know a being fully trusts his little life in your arms.


Powerful stuff.

 From then on I sacrificed everything to ensure that we could remain together, happy and healthy. Meggie and Simbuchi. Those dreams never came true. I’ll never forget looking at you and not being able to picture you all grown up. It was strange, as I’ve always been able to do that with all my other animals, but not with you. “Meg, he’s going to be so big.” “I’m not sure why, but I just can’t see it.  I have a feeling that this is as big as he’s going to get.” “No, that’s impossible.” It turns out I was right. After that conversation, you would die a mere three weeks later, same size.

When I came to sit with you in your last hours, though you had gone blind, you knew I was there and immediately perked up. Sniffing furiously in my direction, you oozed love.  You seemed to perk up so much, that my mum thought you might live. “No mummy, he just wants to show me how much he loves me, and ask me to let him go.” So I sat with you and you lay down on my hand. I stroked you and told you how much love and joy you had brought into my life in our three months together. How much I was going to miss you, and that not a day would go by without my thoughts turning to you. Then I told you how sorry I was that you had to suffer this way, and how I could feel you we’re hanging on for me – but that now it was time to let go. I love you. I sang, ”Go to sleep my little baby, go to sleep me little baby..” And you did.

They say time is the best healer, and from experience I know this to be true. My question is, how much time until I stop aching for you? I really wish I knew that. I have days like today where I’m beyond consoling and days like yesterday where I’m doing just fine. I can’t wait for the day when I can think of you and smile without a tear.

Yet, let’s not let this tragedy take away our time together. Nuzzle nuzzle..Your midnight noises should be famous and your face, what a treat. A personality that could spar knights and sympathize with their wives, you we’re an all rounder- that’s for sure. You loved everybody and everything, especially your mama J I miss tripping over you, I miss having to watch my step. Suddenly I find my footsteps rather hollow, no mess..Nothing but mine. Had you met Eddie, you would have been the best of friends. Had I been with both of you at the same time, walking to the kitchen would be impossibleJ

Just know that I love you.  Know that I miss you. Know that not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, and hope that in some cosmic way, you remember me too!

9. Careful 'Bitch-person', nice people don't always finish last!

So, continuing from my last entry..here's what happened..needless to say, I'm simply delighted!

So an hour or so after Peter left,I go out, black bag in hand, to find me some pine cones. There is not one in sight. I turn to go home, and suddenly see the gardener out of the corner of my eye. He looks like he’s having a cigarette. I dash back into the house, grab some smokes, and head on over.

As friendly as ever, “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Megan.”

“Hello.”

“What’s your name?”

“Wellington.”

“Hi Wellington, nice to meet you. You work for Peter don’t you?”

“Angela.”

(I can’t help but scoff at this comment.) “Of course. So, tell me, have you seen the pine cones?”

“Yes, I cleared them away.”

“How come? I’m just asking because in the five years we’ve lived here, you’ve never done that.”

“Angela told me to.”

“Oh, when?”

“Last week.”

“And what do you do with them?”

“Put them in a pile in her garden.”

“Sho! There must be hundreds!”

“Yes. She said she wants all of them.”

“Why is that?”

“She said for Christmas decorations.”

Hundreds of pine cones’ in June, for Christmas decorations? Now I have heard it all. I let out a long suffering sigh.

“Do you want them?”

“Yes we need them. We have always used them for our fire. But it seems Angela has decided to be Angela, and not let us have that joy.”

“She’s not a nice lady.”

“No Wellington, she is not.”

“I took all of the last pinecones and put them in a pile there, behind the wall. I have not put them with the others yet.”

I pause. Smile.

“Wellington, I think you and I are going to be friends.”

He smiles back.

“Oh, look. I have some smokes, here. Lord knows with a boss like that, you need them.”

He laughs, graciously accepts the cigarettes and I head for the secret stash, fill up two black bags and head on home. Smiling, I wave goodbye to my new ally.

8. Hey, Bitch! Leave my pine cones alone!

I’ve got a productive buzz in me today, I’m feeling the jiggle wiggle!

Make a pot of coffee, write a list. I always write lists. In fact I’m a bit retarded when it comes to list making. I write down things I’ve already done, like;

1. Wake up. (tick)
2. Make Coffee. (tick)
3. Drink Berocca. (tick)
4. Write travel list. (tick)
5. Send ticket confirmation to mummy. (tick)

And so it continues. Or should I say it begins as that’s where I’m, technically speaking, beginning. J

I can’t believe that this time tomorrow, I have one month! No, this time on..... Friday? 22nd. That’s insane! Still have quite a lot to do, but have covered mountains so far! Got all the big ‘nitty gritties’ such as a backpack, sleeping bag, walking boots at mummy’s insistence and a camera, it’s pink! I have put the most comprehensive medical aid kit together, which was really weird for me since I don’t even take so much as a Panado. I have never been to the doctor (the sick kind) or been put on anti biotics’ – in my life. Can you feel my chest swelling with pride? J In any event, to make space for all this new found medicine, I had to take the inside thingy that holds the pills, out of the packaging and write on that inside thingy what the pills were for,” Sore head” “Funny food.” I have even got generic anti biotics’, with the label,”Never say never.”

This whole ‘medicine box thing’ has left me wondering. I have tablets for period cramps, which I do not get. Well, I do. Once every blue moon one will pop in to ask if I’ve missed her, “Yes. So much.” Obviously cramps don’t get sarcasm because then they really show me what I’ve been missing. Although, I only get this say, one day, once every six months, maybe. I have a high threshold for pain too, so it doesn’t bother me too much.

Yet, in this gigantic medicine kit there is a full box of pills for that particular purpose.

“Mum. I will not need these. I have never in my life. ”
“Meg, you’re taking tablets for colds and flu, for nausea, for headaches  and and and..with you, so why not take these?”
“This is absurd.” And I put them into the basket.

It’s almost as if the minute I arrive in Thailand I am going to become some pill popping, cough syrup glugging, medicine lady of the west. You want it? I got it!

But it is keeping my mummy calm, knowing that I have everything I could possibly need, even if I’ve never needed these things before, it seems she’s convinced that Thailand will change that for me. I think I will change, but I think that in two years time, when I return, that medicine cabinet will be coming home with me, fully stocked.

Anyhoo.. I should get onto that list. Funny, our neighbour and landlord Peter just came in with an estate agent to look at the cottage. You must know that he is a pathetically minimal man living under the tyranny of his wife, who has got to be the most evil, in fact, the only evil woman I’ve ever known.  She used to be the estate agent for the property when Peter was with his late wife, a lovely woman who used to have my mum over for dinners' and so forth. When she died, Angela swooped in and within a month she had moved in, kicked Peter’s autistic daughter out of the house, and one by one, she destroyed every relationship he had with his children, grandchildren, neighbours and friends. Bazaar.

She knows we use the pine cones on the property for our fire place, as they don’t have one. We’ve been doing that for years. Last week Peter came over to chat to me, his wife Angela was obviously not home, because if she was he would never be doing that. He thanked me for picking up all the pinecones as they don’t use them and Angela doesn’t like them lying around. Note that there are enough pinecones on the vast lawn at any given time, to makes fires for a week, so we walk around picking them up every three days. Yet on Monday we noticed that they were all gone. It was obvious that she had gotten their gardener to pick them all up and burn them, or something equally as evil.

So when Peter came in with this sweet estate agent, I said in my softest voice,”Peter, you know we use the pinecones for our fireplace (looking at the lady) it keeps the cottage so warm!” Looking back at Peter, “But now they have all been removed. Where have they gone? ” He timidly replies, “No, they are still there.” “No, Peter you can see that they have been removed, because of the markings. Trust me; I’m a pine cone expert.” “Oh, right. I forgot. Angela (the dreaded witch) got the boy to pick them up for us.” Confused, I respond “I didn’t realize you had a fire place.”

He hesitates, knowing I know he does not. “We do.” (They do not. We have been into that house a dozen times) Eager to leave, he walks towards the door.

“Ah, ok. It’s such a pity because without them, the fire doesn’t burn so nicely, and the wood doesn’t last as long. So we end up using heaters instead which is incredibly unfortunate considering how much electricity it wastes.”  Note that he pays for the electricity; it is included in the rent. Suddenly not so eager to leave, "Oh, no! Please don't do that. We must make sure that you get pine cones' then."

As soon as I closed the door, I couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear, ”You can’t screw with me Bitch. You can try..but you will not succeed.”

7. The family i choose.

Your friends become your family, and in that case, I have a fabulous family, a great big one! Please know that I am not begrudging my blood family, most of which are marvellously chatty, open people who make me laugh and are there when I need them! Some of them leave a lot to be desired, and I must say, I do find myself wishing that blood did not connect us.

However, something has to be said for the family you choose, those friends of yours that become so close that they do in fact share your blood.

My mother Chelsea, is always there – the one who calls me on a Monday evening to find out how I am, her voice tells me she misses me as much as I do her. When my mum and I get together, we get deep. We discuss everything, and often find out it’s the next day and the twins are late for school – we get so caught up we hardly notice. Not that the twins, Andrew and Grant care too much. They are forever in trouble with their teachers, because they’ve asked them to “lick my wet nest” or something of that nature. Our understanding Mother never gets them into trouble. I must say my best moments in life have come from these two and their wicked shenanigans’. If I’m down, one of the two monsters will cheer me up. 

Be it, posting ridiculous “ Public masturbation” articles on my facebook wall, or sending links about “Gillian and Keith”, spying on my neighbours, climbing onto my dashboard singing a Britney Spears song, or screaming “Trata!” to every person in Scrumpy Jack’s. They get the job done!

My aunty Kim and I have only recently re-connected, and I’ve loved it. I used to think she didn’t want to get to know me anymore, and felt she was rather hard. Yet, the more I get to know her, she shows a genuine softness and I think when I’m finished, I’ll find that she was jelly all along. Her husband, my gentle uncle Bongi, comes and goes. But when he does come around it’s as if I have completely forgotten how long he’s been away for. We just pick up where we left off. I love that. I suppose this applies to my father, Shedrin too, except he’s more-so in the picture. He is like a dad should be, always got my back. He loves me, and cares very deeply for me, and will always be there to protect me. This feeling is mutual. Jeanne is my dad’s new wife and although we are far away from each other, we have kept exceptionally close. I look forward to her visits, where we can natter into the wee hours, always accompanied with loads of laughter. Sandra is my aunty on my dad’s side; she lives in an ashram and is very spiritual. She’s constantly showing me how wise she is, the best advice always comes from her. My younger sister, Beni and I share almost everything. Chat, laugh, shout, fight, cry and dance. I miss her. 

Stacey is my naughty cousin, who often gets me into trouble and visa versa. The naughty mess aside, we love each other dearly and I could not imagine my life without her! My second cousin Simon is a darling man who always looks at the situation with a maturity and understanding beyond his years, and at the same time can play with you like a two year old! My darling older sister Bar, makes me laugh like no one else can, has got an amazing sense of humour and a heart to match Ghandi’s.  My brother in law Riyaan, is a dear friend and life wouldn't be the same without our afternoon sessions. Be it our Long Island one's or coffee filled Modern Family one's, i cant imagine life without them!

Finally, my twin sister Nicol has been by my side my whole life. She always knows where my stuff is and never disappoints in what to say. We have the perfect balance of things in common. We are alike in so many ways, in that we like to do the same things, same tastes in food and people, places and ideas. Yet we are different too, which makes the relationship interesting as we bring different styles and views to the table. Same same, but different..


Of course there are other cousins, and favourite teachers from school who I should be adding as well, Otto you know I’m talking about you! ;) But you catch my drift. I am lucky, I love my family. 

We get so close we graze skin.

6. Kevin Carter, i love you! Happy fathers’ day, to those on Earth and beyond!

My aunty colleen (dad’s sister) phoned me on Friday,” We must make a date! When can I see you!?”

Super excited (she’s a fun aunt) I said, “Yay! What about Sunday?”

“Yes definitely, we’ll be at Jen’s (My cuz) because Jaws need to see her for father’s day.”

“Oh, is Sunday Father’s day?”

“Yes, why, does that change things for you?”

 Laughing, I respond, “No, Colleen. It does not.”

Today is father’s day, and had I not been reminded, it would not have changed anything for me, nor would it be something I would need to remember. Well, it’s still nice to send messages into the sky, but you know what I mean. I’m not exactly going to feel guilty if the day passes and I’ve failed to so much as make a phone call.

Makes me think of when I was little, about seven or so. We were in class and told to write and draw cards for father’s day, and so we did. When our teacher walked around the class, she stopped, looking at mine – I was scribbling on a page, “Thank you for my mum.”And she said, “Meg, you’re supposed to be writing a card to your dad.” And I replied, “I’ve done it. It says dad on the front page!”

(Front page)         Dear Granddad, Happy Father’s day!

(Second page – my ‘scribbling’) Thank you for my mum!  I love you. Lots of love, Mog.

I think she got it, because she told me it was lovely and proceeded to move onto Adam’s card.

The thought of going to someone’s home when they are celebrating father’s day, is rather awkward for me. I suppose that the only way is to think that I too can celebrate this day, surely? My dad may be dead but I might be around dad’s who are still very much alive and I can therefore wish them a happy day.

After all, father’s day is about fathers’ in general and not just your own. Hmmm.. I think I’m feeling rather good about this. Happy fathers' day everyone, to all the fathers out there!!

And to mine.. I love you. Always have, always will. Happy father’s day my darling. Hope the angels are treating you well, and not giving you too much nesquik!

5. Oh, to be normal..

Buying my 3 litre box wine yesterday, I walk over to this woman paying for her bottle, and with a big smile, say ”Hi!”

She turns to me, my face instantly freezes. Thinking to myself,  ‘Fuck. Just keep smiling, be normal. No! You seem like a weird person, look away. Now!'  So I do and I stare at the cashier instead.

I could feel my face stuck in this tense spasm, the blood rushing to my cheeks, not knowing whether I should laugh, walk away or simply say,” I’m so sorry I thought you we’re Taryn. The fiancé of a family friend, my mistake.”  - Even there I’m saying too much, just a simple, “Sorry, thought you we’re someone else” would suffice, but never with me.

Instead I choose to look at her and say, ”Cold, ey.” She gives me a strange look. I think she can tell that I’m terribly uncomfortable, that I don’t want to talk to her and so she can’t understand why I am talking to her at all. She responds, “Yes.”

And instead of just leaving it now, I do the typical ‘Megan thing’ and go on further, with that same stupid expression, as if I was about to burst into hysterics of laughter and have a nervous breakdown at the same time, “I don’t mind the cold, although I am more of a summer person.”  I clear my throat, ‘This is so weird. Look back at the cashier. Just stop.’  But no. I look at this bewildered lady and start to giggle, and then stumbling over my words I continue, “Spring is my favourite season.. Actually.  If we had to choose..One..” To make matters worse, because of my lack of sleep lately, my eye is twitching furiously. At this point her eyebrows are stuck to the ceiling and she politely whispers, “Goodbye.”  I clear my thought again, and the words barely come out,”Bye.”

She didn’t seem annoyed, more concerned for my mental well- being and a little confused by my laughter.  I really think she felt sorry for me which made it so much worse. I could just see her thinking, “That poor girl, she is so weird..Going up to strangers to talk about the weather!” 

4. Travel me senseless

Went to Qatar airways today, which runs like a well oiled machine! Beaming, “Please have a seat Maam.” She must have just gotten engaged, and i think the other consultant had received a whopping divorce settlement or something, or maybe after work they we’re going on an all expenses paid trip to Bermuda. No idea really, but it was infectious. As soon as i left, i missed them. I really did. I might just have to find an excuse to go back.

”Why, prey tell.. we’re you at Qatar?”  - I’m asking myself this question, so that I can do this, ”I’m off to Thailand!!!!!” Whap whap a doobie doobie J I leave on the 22^nd of July! That’s just over a month away! I am going to do the one month intensive course starting on the 30^th of July in Old Phuket Town (Can ya handle!) and then do a course specializing in children – I’m a sucker for the lil monsters! When I finish that, with flying colours, but of course (I’ve got confidence in meeeeEEE!!) I’m going to get a job, and travel-naturally! Maybe Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam! Oh!! The possibilities are endless!

I’ve got ants in my pants, can’t stop thinking of what’s to come! I’ll be riding an elephant along the beach, going to the market – haggling my way down to “two dollar!” – must be said with the accent please;) or spending an afternoon "temple scouting", there are 29 in Phuket! I think a boat trip through Phang Nga Bay, cruising though those limestone cliffs and stopping off on different beaches to explore, is what I’m looking forward to most! Although I must say, I’m very excited to see the ping pong girls..if you know what I mean?;)

And super stoked for Thai boxing!! I’m a boxing freak – although when I watch it on TV i often die a slow and painful death, as they move at such a glacial pace. On the other hand, if it’s edited, as in a movie – I’m on top of the TV – face splattered against the screen, shouting and screaming – joy, and frustration! AHHHHH! And live, well..it can be a bit of both, sometimes way too slow.  I’m all like, “Just wack his flippin head off already!” But sometimes, they do just that, and I’m well pleased.

I know I should probably make room for the idea that I won’t be able to go, because of the whole rabies thing. But we got treated in time, and I’m positive that all will be well. The virus moves so slowly and the vaccines are stronger than my mother! (That’s stroooong!)But If I so much as sneeze or get any fly symptoms, they put me in ICU to monitor me, and BAMB!  (No Thailand for me.) Although I figure if I keep looking after myself, I plan, pay and continue to write as if i am going – then I will. The attractor pattern – I swear Ronda Byrne, if you are wrong here..I will be a very scrambled Egg. 

3. "Lick my vigini and itch me!"

Vagina Vagina Vagina Vagina..Please note that the title was a special treat for my dear friend Granti who no matter where you are or who you are with, always feels the need to shout and scream any one of his unique profanities, that may come into his mind. God love him. I know i do .

I don’t use the word vagina, or vigini for that matter. I prefer to call it my Lulu.

In any event, gynie day it is. God. Hold me back. Nothing worse than someone staring up into your cervix, prodding around for a sample. Honestly. 

2. Death by Robertson..*tisk tisk*

Note to self : NEVER start the day off on facebook. Big mistake. HUGE. Dunno why, but it’s super addictive, a serious time killer! Suddenly it was two o clock and i hadn’t moved, ok granted i only woke up at half past ten. But still. Really? Although i did go to bed at half past five. Just lay there. Insomnia rules. It is the strangest thing, as soon as the sun goes down, i wake up – Bang! Let’s blow this joint!:) Sun rises and there i am, using tooth picks to hold up my lids.

Anyway, as tired as i am – my mum has told me to train my sleeping self – push to stay awake by day – so can sleep at night - stuff!

It’s mummy’s birthday today! My bestie westie! Got her some pot plants – yellow flowers – the happy colour! They look good on the veranda. And some double choc chip muffins for celebratory purposes. She paid for all of this of course. : / When i told her she should be thanking herself for the gifts, she said, ”Don’t be silly! My money is your money. My money is Nunu's money (my sister) And how you choose to spend our money is what counts. I’m just grateful you did buy me a gift, rather than getting yourself a new scarf of something. ”

Isn’t she the cutest?

As far as mommies girl's go, i'm right up there! Not that that is always a good thing.  It has it’s down falls but it has it’s pro’s too– the fact that we are best friends and can share everything, make each other laugh and chat constantly – the poor dear is rather exhausted with having me here.. "Mush..i REALLY have to go to bed. I’ve got to get up at five.” “Oh please, just sit down Pludway." And so we chat for another hour. Be it steamed convo’s about this country, or philosophical chat’s about what happens to you when you die – we’ve got it covered. 

Suddenly it came to me..this blog might be the best thing that’s ever happened to my mother. I can discuss things here and so finally she won’t be coming home to a "topic blast" of mine, that goes something like this..

“So, what about afterlife huh? I mean, ghosts..are the real? Have you seen one? Do you think you can be friends with your ex? Should i cut a fringe? You know, Bones and Booth have really got to get their shit together! What do you think about the Kennedy assassinations, who do you think did it? You think Katie Holmes moves her eyebrows too much? You excited for Country Life? I don’t know what is going on with me, but I just can’t skip at the moment. So, tell me about your day.”

So do feel free to comment..share your thoughts and ideas here. J

Time to light a fire..it may be early but dammit JHB is fucking freezing. Excuse my French, but bloody hell, shiver me timbers!

Oh how the drama has just poured into the house. Turns out my Step Dad’s alcoholic sister got wasted and threatened to kill the head of communicable diseases today. Joy.

1. Let's begin..with the 10 facts.

In my bed, i find myself saying (to the ceiling of coarse) Where to from here?

It is June. 2012. In the last three months, I’ve singlehandedly:  

1. Broken up with my German boyfriend, whom i was living with, just before we we’re about to embark on an exciting overseas trip. 

2. Packed up my home- moving has got to be one life’s biggest stresses! 

3. Lost custody of my right hand man, our beautiful doggie. 

4. Left my job, selling dead sea products in a god forsaken shopping mall (can ya blame me) 

5. Gone on a road trip to the traanskei with two friends from Israel – one being my new found Russian lover – who left me for his ex soon after.  

6. Had my entire wardrobe stolen. Yes. Only me. 

7. Lived alone in a tent, on the floor with my new mange ridden puppy, Simba – oh! I brought him back from the Transkei. Did i mention he gave me Scabies? 

8. Got into my car, drove to my mum’s  in JHB - don’t get me started on the N1. 

9. Tragedy calls! Simba dies of Rabies – that is after he bit me, my mum and the neighbour – all currently getting the vaccine treatment.. 

10. Three days later, the cats are put in quarantine for the next six months and my mum’s darling dog, Eighty, was put down.

The silence in this once very noisy cottage, hurts my ears.

So, as i was saying..where to from here?

I’ve watched every t.v series from Boston Legal, to Bones. From Gossip girl to The Kennedy’s. Movies from Gia to Run away Jury, You’ve got mail to Analyze this. I’ve exhausted every escape. Time to get out of bed and face the world. The real one. Mine.

Ever feel like someone else has the remote control? That they’re just changing your channels’, turning you off, and on again, pausing you and fast forwarding you. (Sigh) I need to get that control back, but i just don’t think it can happen here. In this space - with all this “stuff” 

I need to get away. Must. Just. Go.

On my own - No more dogs, no more men, and no more.. “stuff.”

Where shall i go? What shall i do?

Thankfully i have some money saved up, and i have the best mother in the entire universe, yes she is better than yours ;) - who wants to help. She wants me to go. Be free. Independent. Happy.

 Where to i say?? WHERE TO!?!?

The thing is, I can’t just go. I’m not that spontaneous, or that rich – for that matter. I need a plan, a job of sorts, a goal. Structure me!! Time to think..