8. Hey, Bitch! Leave my pine cones alone!

I’ve got a productive buzz in me today, I’m feeling the jiggle wiggle!

Make a pot of coffee, write a list. I always write lists. In fact I’m a bit retarded when it comes to list making. I write down things I’ve already done, like;

1. Wake up. (tick)
2. Make Coffee. (tick)
3. Drink Berocca. (tick)
4. Write travel list. (tick)
5. Send ticket confirmation to mummy. (tick)

And so it continues. Or should I say it begins as that’s where I’m, technically speaking, beginning. J

I can’t believe that this time tomorrow, I have one month! No, this time on..... Friday? 22nd. That’s insane! Still have quite a lot to do, but have covered mountains so far! Got all the big ‘nitty gritties’ such as a backpack, sleeping bag, walking boots at mummy’s insistence and a camera, it’s pink! I have put the most comprehensive medical aid kit together, which was really weird for me since I don’t even take so much as a Panado. I have never been to the doctor (the sick kind) or been put on anti biotics’ – in my life. Can you feel my chest swelling with pride? J In any event, to make space for all this new found medicine, I had to take the inside thingy that holds the pills, out of the packaging and write on that inside thingy what the pills were for,” Sore head” “Funny food.” I have even got generic anti biotics’, with the label,”Never say never.”

This whole ‘medicine box thing’ has left me wondering. I have tablets for period cramps, which I do not get. Well, I do. Once every blue moon one will pop in to ask if I’ve missed her, “Yes. So much.” Obviously cramps don’t get sarcasm because then they really show me what I’ve been missing. Although, I only get this say, one day, once every six months, maybe. I have a high threshold for pain too, so it doesn’t bother me too much.

Yet, in this gigantic medicine kit there is a full box of pills for that particular purpose.

“Mum. I will not need these. I have never in my life. ”
“Meg, you’re taking tablets for colds and flu, for nausea, for headaches  and and and..with you, so why not take these?”
“This is absurd.” And I put them into the basket.

It’s almost as if the minute I arrive in Thailand I am going to become some pill popping, cough syrup glugging, medicine lady of the west. You want it? I got it!

But it is keeping my mummy calm, knowing that I have everything I could possibly need, even if I’ve never needed these things before, it seems she’s convinced that Thailand will change that for me. I think I will change, but I think that in two years time, when I return, that medicine cabinet will be coming home with me, fully stocked.

Anyhoo.. I should get onto that list. Funny, our neighbour and landlord Peter just came in with an estate agent to look at the cottage. You must know that he is a pathetically minimal man living under the tyranny of his wife, who has got to be the most evil, in fact, the only evil woman I’ve ever known.  She used to be the estate agent for the property when Peter was with his late wife, a lovely woman who used to have my mum over for dinners' and so forth. When she died, Angela swooped in and within a month she had moved in, kicked Peter’s autistic daughter out of the house, and one by one, she destroyed every relationship he had with his children, grandchildren, neighbours and friends. Bazaar.

She knows we use the pine cones on the property for our fire place, as they don’t have one. We’ve been doing that for years. Last week Peter came over to chat to me, his wife Angela was obviously not home, because if she was he would never be doing that. He thanked me for picking up all the pinecones as they don’t use them and Angela doesn’t like them lying around. Note that there are enough pinecones on the vast lawn at any given time, to makes fires for a week, so we walk around picking them up every three days. Yet on Monday we noticed that they were all gone. It was obvious that she had gotten their gardener to pick them all up and burn them, or something equally as evil.

So when Peter came in with this sweet estate agent, I said in my softest voice,”Peter, you know we use the pinecones for our fireplace (looking at the lady) it keeps the cottage so warm!” Looking back at Peter, “But now they have all been removed. Where have they gone? ” He timidly replies, “No, they are still there.” “No, Peter you can see that they have been removed, because of the markings. Trust me; I’m a pine cone expert.” “Oh, right. I forgot. Angela (the dreaded witch) got the boy to pick them up for us.” Confused, I respond “I didn’t realize you had a fire place.”

He hesitates, knowing I know he does not. “We do.” (They do not. We have been into that house a dozen times) Eager to leave, he walks towards the door.

“Ah, ok. It’s such a pity because without them, the fire doesn’t burn so nicely, and the wood doesn’t last as long. So we end up using heaters instead which is incredibly unfortunate considering how much electricity it wastes.”  Note that he pays for the electricity; it is included in the rent. Suddenly not so eager to leave, "Oh, no! Please don't do that. We must make sure that you get pine cones' then."

As soon as I closed the door, I couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear, ”You can’t screw with me Bitch. You can try..but you will not succeed.”