10. You're gone and i ache for you.

I’ve been so busy trying to get over you, that I’ve forgotten just how much I miss you. Walking into the garden that was once your's, singing our sweet song in hope that you can hear me. Standing in front of the big tree where your soft sheep used to hang, a failed attempt right there, thinking you would want to play without me. Walking through the flower beds that we used to play catch in. I nearly twisted my ankle dammit, oh! What fun we had. Staring at your picture now, looking into those big brown eyes, filled with enthusiastic questions, “Huh, what? Now? What’s this? Are you ready? What do we do here? Is this what I think it is? Do we have to play fetch again? Mummy, do you love me as much as I love you!?” Ah! No my darling, I’ve always loved and always will..love you more. 

I must remember that he is no longer in pain. No longer will my darling Simbushi suffer. It is I that will bear that burden. The great reward in that is knowing that I alone carry that feeling, and my baby has been set free.

But I don’t want to be one of those people who can’t let time stop and I am like that now. I’ve got to keep on moving, as not to sit and think.  Dangerous spaces I fill.

It is impossible to forget standing in the Transkei hills, watching you suffer..There was never any question. I had to help you. No choice for me there. All I could do was protect you. Mother instinct kicked in. You we’re mine. As the universe is my witness, as well as Bar and Slava obviously - and the many surrounding offenders, I did everything in my power to do so. It kills me that it was not enough.  I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you, and yours locked with mine. Bar and I singing “A kuna matata” to you as we skipped down those hills towards Bulungula, you knew I would make everything alright. You trusted me. I felt it – what a feeling, to know a being fully trusts his little life in your arms.


Powerful stuff.

 From then on I sacrificed everything to ensure that we could remain together, happy and healthy. Meggie and Simbuchi. Those dreams never came true. I’ll never forget looking at you and not being able to picture you all grown up. It was strange, as I’ve always been able to do that with all my other animals, but not with you. “Meg, he’s going to be so big.” “I’m not sure why, but I just can’t see it.  I have a feeling that this is as big as he’s going to get.” “No, that’s impossible.” It turns out I was right. After that conversation, you would die a mere three weeks later, same size.

When I came to sit with you in your last hours, though you had gone blind, you knew I was there and immediately perked up. Sniffing furiously in my direction, you oozed love.  You seemed to perk up so much, that my mum thought you might live. “No mummy, he just wants to show me how much he loves me, and ask me to let him go.” So I sat with you and you lay down on my hand. I stroked you and told you how much love and joy you had brought into my life in our three months together. How much I was going to miss you, and that not a day would go by without my thoughts turning to you. Then I told you how sorry I was that you had to suffer this way, and how I could feel you we’re hanging on for me – but that now it was time to let go. I love you. I sang, ”Go to sleep my little baby, go to sleep me little baby..” And you did.

They say time is the best healer, and from experience I know this to be true. My question is, how much time until I stop aching for you? I really wish I knew that. I have days like today where I’m beyond consoling and days like yesterday where I’m doing just fine. I can’t wait for the day when I can think of you and smile without a tear.

Yet, let’s not let this tragedy take away our time together. Nuzzle nuzzle..Your midnight noises should be famous and your face, what a treat. A personality that could spar knights and sympathize with their wives, you we’re an all rounder- that’s for sure. You loved everybody and everything, especially your mama J I miss tripping over you, I miss having to watch my step. Suddenly I find my footsteps rather hollow, no mess..Nothing but mine. Had you met Eddie, you would have been the best of friends. Had I been with both of you at the same time, walking to the kitchen would be impossibleJ

Just know that I love you.  Know that I miss you. Know that not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, and hope that in some cosmic way, you remember me too!